Friday, January 28, 2011

wanting him to be my everything



so recently ive kinda been distant from everyone and everything...ive realized im hardly on my facebook anymore...and i have not talked to my friends as often as i used to...ive kinda pushed everyone away...

at church ive not been able to sit down inside and just listen and be there...i end up leaving to sit outside and kinda be alone...its like im at church but im not...lately ive gone through the motions of being there but not really fully aware of what is happening..if anyone asked me what was mass about or any of the readings i would look at them and not know what to say in reply...

im not at rcia anymore and i have not been reading my bible, going to adoration or anything...i need GOD in my life more than ever right now and for some reason i dont feel my faith like i used to...its like its drifint away...i need him to be my everything again...

"Lord I get so tired
Of the struggle within
I settle in complacency
And I;m weighed down in my sins

So lead me past emotion
'Cause they change with the wind
I want to be a true disciple
To daily choose your hand"

im tired of giving up on things i want to be whole again...my emotions have been really bad lately...ive cried for no reason at night when no one is around...idk why i cry or what im crying for...but i just cry...i really really want to be his disciple and lead people like i was led to him...i choose his hand to do his work and be the best person for him that i can be...

its been 2 years and 3 months since ive been back at church and ive done alot in that time...im hoping and praying that this is a lil bump im my journey with HIM that i will overcome and become closer to him and grow even more...

Monday, January 17, 2011

Finding time for HIM...

so recently i have found myself kinda distant from people and things i used to always do...like i never text my friends as much as i used to and i dont make time to just center myself...i used to always do a daily bible read and i was at one part making note to say a rosary at least once a week...but all that just drifted away...i know im a lil late on starting this for the new year but im gonna make more time for GOD and recenter my life...

sommetimes as church on sundays or when i alter serve i feel like im just going through the motions but never really doing mass...soo im gonna make an effort to find out why i have been like this and refocus on what i have be en needing...im gonna start a daily bible read...and read it once or twice a day and trying to jounral or focus about it...maybe ill post it on here im not sure yet... but i hope for this to be a good change...
starting tomorrow im changing my ways and letting GOD take over

LET GO AND LET GOD!!!!!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

sleeping disorder

so by the time i post this it will be past 1am...and for a while now my sleep habbits if you would like to call it that have been so hard to deal with...first i used to be able to go to bed by 130am and now im up till like 5am everyday...this is TORTURE!!!! i hate it so much...by the time i am goin to bed my parents are waking up...i know this for a fact cuz i can smell the coffee and thats when i am finally tired enough to go to bed...ad then my parents wake me up at like 9 am...that has been hard cuz i have not had enough sleep and its driving me crazy...literally i end up waking up on my own around 1-2pm!!!this has been happening since before october not as bad as it is righ now but it has just gotten worse...

this is how my night time goes
12- finally laying in bed...watching tv on the computer
130-turning everything off and trying to settle down in bed
2-back to bein wide awake
230-turn tv back on...
330 feelin tired again..turn everything off and hope to sleep
4-try reading to make me sleepy
430-finally tired fall asleep somewhere between 430-5

this is NOT NORMAL at all!!! i am beyond tired of it all...i go to the dr on tuesday to try and see wat the heck is wrong with me...cuz idk how much longer i can deal with this...i need my sleep!!!!!

Monday, January 3, 2011

OVERWHELMED!!!!

sometimes i get a bit overwhelmes with everything i do...i spend so much time at church i feel like its my second home...if im not here at home im at church...sometimes i wonder why i am always there...

since being back at church i have put myself in everything that i could do...it started off with LIFE NIGHTS (i miss them) then alter serving...then it was confirmation and now RCIA...at times i wonder what have i gotten myself into...its been a test in my faith sometimes...like wat in the world does God have me doing now...never would i have thoght i would be so involved...but after Stubenville this past year i realized what exactly i was doing

GOD has provided me with so much in each monistry...new friends, realtionships and just a new found relatiosnhip with him...when i was little i used to think he was just some person i prayed to every night and that took the people i love from my life...truth is he is a whole diffrent person...he is the one i pray to in my time of need the one i talk to when i just need help or guidance...without finding him i would not be writing this today...

lately i have been having really good weeks and then a huge DOWN day...i just dont understand why though...i know im missing someone very much and i wish she was still her but idk why i get the way i do...last night/today ive just really did not understand why i felt the way i did...i get in this STORM and idk how to get out of it...all i want to do is lay in bed weak and vonuerable but i tell myself to stay strong...